liquid youth
by Wolfstrom92
Summary: When Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy hired a 'professional' to get Argus Filch to relax and live a little, they weren't sure what would happen, but what did wind up happening shocked the entire wizarding community to the core. . .
1. Chapter 1

When Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy hired a 'professional' to get Argus Filch to relax and live a little, they weren't sure what would happen, but what did wind up happening shocked the entire wizarding community to the core. . .

It was a day just like any other day at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Argus Filch was breaking up couples snogging in the corridors as usual and sending his cat, Mrs. Norris, to run anyone out of the tighter places he couldn't quite reach as per usual.

"That guy seriously needs to relax," Draco Malfoy griped as he and his boyfriend, Harry Potter, made their way to the library to cool off after being scolded for 'loitering around', as Filch had so delicately put it.

"Tell me about it," Harry grumbled, rolling his eyes, "I mean just where does he get off telling us what to do? It's not like he's one of the teachers or anything."

"It doesn't matter, he still reports to the teachers and that's just as bad," Draco observed, pointedly, he sighed, "But someone ought to do something to help that old greasy prude get laid or something, maybe he'd shove off if they did."

No sooner had these word's left the blonde's lips, Harry got a brilliant, yet evil idea, and he suddenly realized what his friends had meant by Draco being a bad influence. Oh well. Leaning in a bit, so no prying ears could hear, Harry whispered,

"What if that someone was us? What if we hire a prostitute to take Filch's mind off things awhile?"

"Hmm," Draco's brow furrowed slightly as he mulled it over.

It sounded like a really brilliant idea, but. . .

"Do you think it would work?" The Slytherin implored after a moment or two of somewhat awkward silence.

"Possibly," Harry shrugged, "There's only one way to find out, now isn't there?"

"Alright, I'm in," Draco declared with a mischievous grin, "And I already know just who we should hire for the job. Candy Ocean. She has a thing for Filch's types."

"How do you know her?" Harry implored, eyeing his lover suspiciously.

"I don't, she's also my mother's massage therapist," Draco revealed, then seeing the look on Harry's face, laughed, "You needn't worry so much Potter, it's terrible for your complexion," He sighed once more, "Candy Ocean is a witch who hates wizards, she prefers the non-magic types like squibs or muggles."

"Alright, then Candy Ocean it is," Harry smiled and quickly apologized, knowing better than to ever question Draco's loyalty to him.

Draco, in turn, forgave his favorite Gryffindor, and together they finished their trek only to quickly change directions. They wanted to get an owl to Candy Ocean as soon as possible. The sooner Filch got some, the sooner he laid off all together.


	2. Chapter 2

That night, Filch had just finished his rounds and had settled in to enjoy a nice brandy, when there came a surprise knock on his door.

"Who is it?" He called a little too harshly.

"It's your fairy godmother, sugar," Came the seductive reply.

Thinking it was a prank of some kind, Filch was out of his seat in an instance, practically fuming. Storming over to the door, he yanked it open to reveal one of the most stunning women he had ever seen in a sassy french maid outfit standing out in the corridor.

"I-I um," Filch swallowed nervously, "I beg your pardon miss, but I think you may have the wrong place."

"Oh?" The woman seemed a little disappointed to hear this, "So then you are not Argus Filch, caretaker for Hogwart's?"

"Actually I am," It was all Filch could do to keep his composure, "I am Argus Filch."

"Oh well then, Argie, I am definitely in the right place," The woman's disappointment quickly faded, "My name is Candy Ocean."

She offered a hand which Filch accepted and pressed a kiss to before guiding her into his office and closing the door behind them.

"So what brings you to my humble abode this time of night, my pet?" Filch implored as he watched the stunning creature look around, her black hair shining with green highlights in the lantern light.

"I heard you were blue and oh so lonely," Candy explaining, turning her attention to him, her baby blues glowing seductively.

"Well I do find myself rather lonesome these days," Filch quietly admitted.

"I thought so," Candy mused, she smiled sweetly and pulled out a small potion from a strap on her thigh, "Here, take this, it will help."

"What is it?" Filch prompted, eyeing the light yellow liquid in the vile suspiciously.

"It's liquid youth," Candy explained, "My own special brew, it will make you feel twenty years younger."

"Oh," Reluctantly, Filch took the vile from her and drank it down without so much as flinching at the bitter taste that filled his mouth as he did so.

When the vile was empty, Filch tossed it into the fire place causing the fire to flare up a moment before settling back down. He soon felt extremely light headed and somewhat dizzy. As if sensing this, Candy's smile grew wider.

"What's-happening," Filch slurred, his words running together, he tried to focus on her, but couldn't, "What-did-you-do-to-me-witch?"

"Relax," Candy soothed, gently guiding him over to and then helping him down into what felt like his recliner, "What you're experiencing right now is only natural and you should feel better in a moment."

No sooner had she spoken these words, Filch started to feel better. In fact he felt like he was a young man again. Spry and full of energy. Able to tackle the world. Filch smiled when Candy climbed into his lap.

"Just relax," She repeated, "And let me take care of everything."


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Filch woke with a pounding headache and barely any recollection of even having fallen asleep. Just what had been in that vile? Candy had said it was liquid youth, but could it have been laced with something else? There was no real telling. Sighing, Filch got out of bed and was surprised when nothing popped, creaked, or cracked. He straitened his back to find it didn't hurt. Confused and now a little concerned, Filch hurried to the bathroom to check his reflection in the mirror and sure enough, there was his younger self staring back at him. He was now in his early twenties again and a feeling of joy suddenly washed over him, chasing his fear away. Joy? That was something he hadn't felt in years! Letting out a whoop of the aforementioned feeling, Filch hurried to get ready for the day before going to inform the headmaster of the shocking change.

Needless to say, Albus Dumbledore was very surprised when a now young Filch strolled into his office, pretty as you please, glowing like a gem.

"Argus?" The elder wizard blinked a few times to make sure his eyes weren't just playing tricks on him, "You're young again, but how?"

"Last night this pretty little thing came by my office," Filch explained, still not really accustom to hearing the youthfulness of his own voice, "And well, to make a long story short and to spare you some of the details, she gave me something called liquid youth, said it was her own special brew."

"Ah," Dumbledore smiled knowingly, "Did you happen to catch this pretty little thing's name?"

"Candy Ocean," Filch was now grinning like an idiot, but he didn't care, he was high stepping on cloud nine.

"I should have known," Dumbledore chuckled, a curious gleam in his eye, "Candy Ocean, or as she's known around the Ministry, Glenda Rosehart, is notorious for turning older men young again just to keep her clientele alive."

"Is it permanent?" Filch fretted, suddenly concerned and not wanting to go back to being so old any time soon.

"Very," Dumbledore confirmed much to the man's relief, "But I'm afraid time will still have an effect on you, you will age naturally, just as before."

"That I can handle, sir," Filch declared, but before he could say more Severus Snape came in dragging an obviously disgruntled Gryffindor behind him.

"Lemme go," The boy grumbled struggling to get free.

"Quiet," Snape snapped, pulling him to where he was standing at his side.

"May I help you, Severus?" Dumbledore inquired.

"Tell him what you told me," Snape said, shifting to where he was now grasping the nape of the poor boy's neck, causing him to yelp, "Tell him."

"Malfoy hired a prostitute to seduce Filch," The Gryffindor blurted out, desperate to get the pain to stop, "Potter was also in on it."

"Malfoy and Potter?" Filch's jaw nearly hit the floor, "You mean to tell me I have those two blighters to thank for this?"

He gestured to himself and felt a blush rise to his cheeks when Snape turned those dark obsidian eyes of his on him.

"I must say you're looking relatively youtheful, Argus," The potion master complimented in his smooth velvety voice, arching one dark eyebrow, "Liquid youth, am I correct?"

"Yes," Filch confirmed, the color in his cheeks darkening a bit.

Merlin, why was he acting this way? Usually he was great at keeping his emotions in check. Maybe it was just a side effect of the potion that was making him feel all the things he had locked away over the years. Joy. Sorrow. Lust. . . Or rather the lust he had been harboring for the man now standing in the room with him. When Snape had been younger, Filch had, had feelings for him, not that he would have acted on them. He was not a pervert. But now that the tables had turned. Maybe, just maybe. . .

"Get to class," Snape's voice snapped Filch back to the present and he looked to find the now free Gryffindor fleeing for his life.

"You didn't have to be so rough with him Severus," Dumbledore chided, softly.

"Trust me, Albus, had you heard what the twit called me before we got here, you would have given him the same treatment," Severus grumbled before turning his attention to Filch, "Pray tell me, Argus, just how did you come about procuring some liquid youth? Did the lady of the night give it to you?"

"Yes," He just could not say no to this guy, "Her name, or the name she gave me, was Candy Ocean."

"Ah," A small knowing smile found it's way to Snape's lips, "I remember the Dark Lord mentioning something about her once, even suggested that I pay her a visit."

Filch was appropriately appalled to hear this. Not only was the woman well known around the Ministry, but apparently she was not unknown to dark wizards either. Just what had those prats gotten him into? As if reading his mind, Snape smiled and winked at Filch, causing the squib to quickly look away, grateful his now voluminous brown hair could mask the fact he was still blushing like a schoolgirl. It was all Dumbledore could do to keep a strait face. Snape knew exactly what kind of effect he was having on the caretaker and there was no doubt that the once Death Eater was going to enjoy using it to his advantage.


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next few days, Filch tried to busy himself with his normal routine, but he just couldn't take his mind off Snape. No matter how much he dusted or swept. And with all the couples roaming about the school. . . It was almost too much to bare. . .

One day, almost a week after his shocking transformation that still had a lot of students reeling, including Harry and Draco, Filch was cleaning the mirrors in the boy's lavatory when he noticed Snape coming out of one of the stalls.

"Argus," The potion master regarded him with a thoughtful look before going to one of the sinks to wash his hands.

Filch swallowed nervously, using his peripherals to check Snape out, as the students said, while he continued to focus on getting the mirror he was currently scrubbing free of soap grime. He was so enthralled with what he was doing that he didn't exactly notice Snape creep up behind him, until he felt a pair of surprisingly strong arms slip around his midsection and a pleasurable heat against his backside.

"What are you doing?" Filch demanded, suppressing the urge to melt into the wizard's embrace.

"What does it feel like?" Severus teased, gently nuzzling the crook of his neck, "Is this not what you wanted?"

"Perhaps," Filch shuddered with pleasure; readily ignoring the look Mrs. Norris was currently giving him, and finally allowed himself to melt a little.

He had never been touched in such a loving manner but a handful of times before - that the feeling was near alien to him. Especially seeing as Snape was the first man he allowed to actually hold him like a lover.

"I-I've got to get back to work," Filch found himself saying in a voice not quite his own, fumbling for the rag he'd been using, wondering when he had dropped it.

"You know you are really quite striking, Argus," Severus declared, ignoring the statement, his dark eyes locking with Filch's pale ones via the mirror and holding them, "I never noticed until now."

"Of course not, I was practically an old man back when we first met," Filch observed, sullenly, "And you were just a lad."

"Well I'm noticing you now, Argus," Snape purred, "Just as you noticed me when I was just a student here."

"Severus," Filch could feel himself start to tremble from the inside out.

Every fiber of his being told, no, screamed at him to run. To get away as fast he could. But he just couldn't will his body to agree with his brain and so he just stood there, shaking with anticipation as Snape began to press gentle kisses to his neck. Annoyed that she was getting ignored by her master, Mrs. Norris began to yowl loudly.

"Not now Misses Norris," Filch chided, sounding more annoyed than intended.

Mrs. Norris stopped her yowling almost instantly and stalked off, obviously hurt that she had just been dismissed like that.

"Don't worry, she'll be fine," Snape assured Filch upon feeling him tense up a bit, "If there is one thing I have come to understand about females, human or otherwise, they never stay mad at their friends for very long."

"True," Filch moaned and fully melted as rather sharp teeth were sunk into his neck.

"You're mine now," Snape growled seductively upon drawing back a moment or so later to reveal a good sized hickey, he raked his tongue across the freshly made mark, savoring the delicious sounds the other man was now making, "Tell me something, Argus, just how long have you been harboring these feelings for me?"

"It was during your fifth year here that I took a real interest in you," Filch conceded, quietly, "You weren't like the rest of them, where their beauty was to where they could flaunt it, your's was skin deep, and next to Misses Norris, I thought you were the most striking creature I had ever seen."

"Really?" Severus was taken aback by this, "You really found me striking?"

"Mhmm," Filch nodded, "I wanted you so badly it was unreal and I still do."

"Well, in that case," Severus gently blew on Filch's neck, this time soliciting a soft growl from the squib; he grinned, "What's the matter, don't like to be blown?"

Filch's face flushed a brilliant shade of red at that,

"I like to be blown, just other places though."

Before Snape could respond to this there was a loud commotion outside followed by someone screaming,

"Do it, Malfoy! Kick his arse!"

Concerned, Snape reluctantly released his hold on his would be lover and hurried to go see just what was going on. Once he was gone, Filch slumped forward, clutching the sink for support, feeling ten times more exposed than what he would have liked to. Just what was going on? His head was suddenly swimming and he was so hard it was unreal. In all of his years, he had never been so aroused. None of the witches he'd managed to bed had solicited such a strong reaction. What made Sn-Severus so different? Swearing under his breath, Filch quickly cleaned the cleaning solution from his hands before hurrying to one of the stalls to relieve himself. His chores could wait, he needed a release and bad.


	5. Chapter 5

After breaking up a fight between an obviously jealous Ronald Weasley and Draco, and giving them both detention for a week, Severus returned to the lavatory to find Filch no longer there. Disappointed, he turned to leave when some audible grunts caught his attention. Someone was masturbating in the middle of the day? In the lavatory? Something didn't add up. Going over to the only stall that was closed, Severus gently tapped on the door.

"Occupied," Came the annoyed response.

Sweet Merlin. It was Filch! Filch was masturbating and from the sounds of things, highly enjoying it. Fighting the urge to bust down the door and take control of the situation, Severus gently tapped again and asked,

"Do you need a hand, Argus?"

Filch gasped in surprise. Reaching behind himself, he fumbled to unlatch the door before growling,

"Get your arse in here! Now!"

Severus didn't need a second invitation. After putting a silencing spell on the room and sealing the entrance to ensure no one intruded, he obliged Filch's command, being sure to shut and lock the stall door behind him.

 _Dear Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy,_

 _Thank you for sending Candy Ocean to my door. Severus and I could not be more pleased with how things turned out, and I am pleased to inform the both of you that Mr. Malfoy no longer has detention. No need to thank me. Or Severus. It was our 'ahem' pleasure. Thank you ever so much._

 _Sincerely,_

 _A. Filch_

 _P.S. The guys lavatory on the_

 _second floor is a perfect place_

 _if you ever want a little alone_

 _time._

Harry and Draco gaped down at the note; too stunned to say or do much of anything. They couldn't believe it. Had they seriously brought two people from entirely different worlds together? If so, someone should really give them a medal or something.


End file.
